Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
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Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
#oldknees
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me