[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
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Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.