“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
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If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Taking phone security to the next level.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese