My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
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so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”