Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
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My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life