My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
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I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”