The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
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I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Oh. My. God.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life