what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
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I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
This is Sparta
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
hackers play passwordle
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this