Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
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I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Hilarious if literal: arms race
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”