My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
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If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!