establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
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Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Vodka burrito was a success
it’s finally my moment to shine
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳