You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
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“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
got so much cardio in today
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!