Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
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I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.