“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
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My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Banana is the quietest snack
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.