Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
You Might Also Like
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I’m not wrong
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
bought wrong eggs
I have a black belt in leather