Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
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Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
That time Alicia messaged me
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.