Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
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“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Investing in beetcoin
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn