Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
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Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Breaking news:
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no