With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
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I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I was just discussing this with my cat
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.