“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
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I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
This January has 47 Mondays
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS