hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
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I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!