Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
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Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
inside you are two wolves
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.