Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
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it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Get off my horse you stupid moon
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.