Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
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professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?