They did not miss in the small print
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The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Note to self: always read the final line
lol
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I can fix him.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀