Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
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Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.