Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
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hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Oh no 😂😂💔😭