Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
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Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.