My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
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BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons