Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
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If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Every house has this drawer
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?