A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
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She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Schrödinger’s cookie
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
The real reason evolution started..😂
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store