Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
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How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.