So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
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My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.