If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
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my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.