People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
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[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
#CatsOnTwitter
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw