Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
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Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do