*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
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I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
A choir of Spring onions
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Oh hi lol
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?