Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
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[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this