Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
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ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Breaking news:
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Just grow your own
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I’ve been drinking.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min