love pickles so much i put myself in one
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Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
😂💯
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.