It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
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I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Risking my life for fun.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Dance like you’re not the father
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.