Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
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Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
spicy snake
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
How high do the levels go?
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.