Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
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Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker