YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
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My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
i hate you platonically
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.