Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
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my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Teamwork makes the dream work.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Interior design 👌
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!