If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
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Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.