Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
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Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.