[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
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You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!