Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
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Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?