ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
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I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
✌️
How your email finds me
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat